Thursday, October 4, 2012
Letting Go.... Mourning and Miracles
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. Joseph Campbell
"Letting go" is a phrase I hear all the time when people are in flux - but the question for me is what am I letting go of? It seems that I tend to want to let go of circumstances and take a break from attempting to "fix" things... after all - these "things" are disrupting the life I dreamed of and/or worked so hard to obtain - but I keep running on fumes and old visions that never materialize.
Recently I have been forced to look at what "letting go" really means and discovered it is a much longer process than I have practiced or prepared for over the years and requires a great deal of introspection ---- what am I willing to let go of?------ what do I have to let go of?---- what things were not my choice to let go of?---- and just as important ----how am I mourning the loss? I had surgery last week that did not go as well as anticipated. The surgeon realized that my condition is rare - and now - there is a side effect unlike the doctors or I have ever seen. As I sit in bed hour after hour - feeling boredom, pain and the enormous desire to get up and go about my life - I realize that I cannot deal with things as before - I have to rely on others for my care - I realize that my home will not be as I left it - but I feel the deep gratitude for those who are willing to give it their best shot and with love are helping me- I will not be disillusioned that their idea of cleaning or dinner or conversation or care might not be exactly like mine- I am lucky to have those who care enough to do anything and all else takes a back seat -
So - exactly what are some things in my "letting go" process?
memories - the way it was
hopes and dreams that may need huge revamping
communication the old way
and just about everything else that affects living and past perceptions-
This is a deep inner dive - but I am making progress - chipping away until the true meaning of the crisis/obstacle/feeling finally appears - I might be disappointed and angry with someone - is the anger because of the way I am handling these events? Am I worried about the choices made and the repercussions - not only by others who are caring for me but by me as well? Am I afraid that something worse will come along? Do I want it to be the way it used to be?.... on and on and on .................each of the answers only brings forth more questions and each question needs to be answered before going on to the next piece of the puzzle.
Knee jerk reactions are silly and simply do not work - too bad because I am so good at them!! - so I am determined to take my time - be patient and gentle with myself - realize that letting go is time consuming - liberating as well as painful. It can make a hole in my life or make room for new things - it can defeat me or make me grow. In the process I empty out and let go only to be filled with new wonders and miracles. I need to let go of so much as I prepare for another surgery that looms ahead......but on the flip side..... I am anxious to see what will be flowing in even as I mourn all that is gone and lost - I will stay the course - and look forward to the unfolding miracles that I never dreamed existed.
Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible - Mao Tse Tung